Rapey dudes can only hide in the shadows of survivors' silence and shame, which is why I am so candid about the ways in which I've been victimized. But most survivors of sexual abuse aren't as open, and for good reason. In my experience, sexual assault is a twofold trauma: one is the assault itself, and the second is society's reaction (i.e. victim blaming). Sometimes, the reaction is worse than the original abuse. Who can blame survivors for staying silent to escape the secondary trauma?
If you are one of the women who has chosen to protect herself with silence, I am absolutely NOT saying that I am braver than you. My brain is just fueled by rage-ahol, of which my supply is endless. Your brain is probably constructed out of "logic" and "self-preservation techniques." I envy you. I do hope the world becomes a nicer place, so that you are able to talk about your experiences without fear of victim-blaming. Until then, the decision to talk about it is COMPLETELY up to you.
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I have compiled a guide to the people you meet when you talk about sexual assault. They range from completely horrifying to just slightly misguided. I even make fun of myself a little. No one gets it right all the time.
My hope is that by deconstructing these reactions, we can build a world where women and men feel safe to talk about the sexual abuses they've endured, to step out of the shadows and focus a shaming spotlight on the rapey dudes and their sick, exploitative behavior. This is what you can do to stop rape: stop perpetuating the victim-blaming responses that lead women to live in fear and silence.
A quick note about terminology: I use the phrase "rapey dude" to refer to rapists, molesters, sexual assaulters, and street harassers. Although they are not interchangeable, they exist along a continuum: all of them derive pleasure from making their victims feel powerless, to whatever degree.
So, without further ado:
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-punch in the face-
A very effective way to get women to STFU about anything, but especially their sexual abuse.
"That sucks and all, but humans are biologically programmed to rape, so you'll ever be able to stop it."
I actually had a dude whip this one out in Feminist Theory class. Then he deployed a big creepy smile and chastised us for not "reacting logically."
I wish I were kidding.
I'm not sure how that one ended, because I had a massive dissociative panic attack. I do remember a lot of fists crashing into desks and yelling. I heard rumors that they spared his life, barely.
"You've lost count of how many times [you've been assaulted]? Why do you think it's happened as much as it has? "
Probably because every time I leave the house, I dress myself in thigh-high boots, a red miniskirt, and a skin-tight top. I cake my face in makeup, going extra heavy on the bloodred lipstick and bright blue eyeshadow, which we all know is a sure sign of a slut (=rapeable woman)! Then I go outside and prance around, shaking my ass for maximum boner-inducing effect. The men obviously get SO TURNED ON that they lose all self-control! It's just like every! rap! video! ever!
OH WAIT, THAT STILL WOULDN'T GIVE ANYONE THE RIGHT TO SEXUALLY ASSAULT ME.
You really want to know why? BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF RAPEY DUDES IN THE WORLD. PERIOD.
If there's any connecting thread that has to do with me, that would probably be my poor white trash upbringing (if you don't understand the connection between socioeconomic class and sexual abuse, see Dorothy Allison after class -- or better yet, watch Precious, because that shows the intersection of class AND race).
Here's the thing: I have just been completely and totally violated, in a way you can't even begin to comprehend. Asking me to analyze what I "contributed" to my own abuse totally aggravates the trauma and violation that I feel. I need support, not a deconstruction of the subliminal please-rape-me messages communicated by my lady-body. I WAS JUST EXISTING, AND SOME DUDE CAME ALONG AND ASSAULTED ME. Let's deconstruct HIS actions, maybe?
"You should carry pepper spray! " / "You should try threatening to cut his balls off!"
This reaction makes complete sense. We want to see justice served to these shitbags, so we naturally project awesome vigilante fantasies onto the situation.
JUSTICE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD, I wish I'd said, before kneeing the bitch in the scrotum and spitting in his cold, dark eye-sockets.
The problem is that I didn't do that. I reacted from a place of surprise and terror, probably because SOME 200-POUND DUDE JUST GRABBED ME OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE. And your comment just makes me think about all the things I "should" have done to prevent my abuse. I think to myself: if I only would have had my pepper spray IN MY HAND and READY TO FIRE, maybe that dude wouldn't have grabbed my crotch! It makes me feel like I share some measure of responsibility for "allowing" this abuse to occur / continue.
Adi said this, which was so unbelievably perfect: The fact that any part of you is thinking how YOU could have behaved differently, in ANY way, breaks my heart and makes me want to scream. You should never have to critique your response to assault. You should never be assaulted.
"I would have punched the guy."
When it happens to you, you don't react the way you think you will. To assume you would (or could!) immediately shut the situation down with brute force is plain arrogant.
Do not ever say this.
"You should take a self-defense class."
ARE YOU SENSING A THEME HERE?
Look, dudes. While I think the burden of ending rape SOLELY belongs to rapists, I am also not blind to the conditions in which I live. Our first, second, and third approaches should all be about TEACHING DUDES NOT TO RAPE US. But that will take a while! So in the meantime, while we work REALLY hard at that, I'm not at all opposed to trying out solutions on an individual level. Which means, ultimately, modifying my behavior. I think that is stupid and unfair, but I will totally do that! That is how little I enjoy rapey attention!
Did you know that I also get up every morning and run loops around Bernal Heights Park, or across the footbridge and over to Potrero Hill? With well-trained hamstrings, I will be able to run away from rapey dudes very, very fast! Especially that dude back in '09 who tried to solicit me from his car, "I NEED A WOMAN, BUT ONLY FOR A VERY SHORT TIME. CAN YOU HELP ME?" I wear my running shoes precisely for occasions like this! Later days, creep!
Did you know, friends, that I choose almost every outfit I wear to deflect the attention of street harassers? It doesn't work very well, for the record. Or at all. Women who have been assaulted and harassed while wearing burquas will probably agree.
If a self-defense class makes you feel more empowered, go right ahead! But I have better things to do with my time. The number of times that I could have prevented a sexual assault with my fists is approximately zero. The number of times that I could have shamed a rapey motherfucker by using my voice is approximately a lot.
Not only do punching classes seem useless, given my experience with the actual dynamics of sexual assault, but the idea of going to a karate class and letting a bunch of strange dudes practice holds and kicks on me? NO I WILL NOT BE DOING THAT EVER.
"If you want to avoid being raped, you should cut your hair short / always have your car keys in your hand / never leave your house for any reason ever."
This advice is based on a erroneous assumptions about the dynamics of rape and the motivations of rapists.
Rapists! They don't usually jump out of bushes! Usually they are men you know and trust (in about 75-80% of rapes). So any rape-avoidance techniques that assume all rapes = stranger-rape will automatically be offensive, because they ignore the complex and diverse dynamics of rape.
"What were you wearing?"
Child-sized purple sweats with elastic ankles ('89)
A sexy-as-fuck leopard print top ('99)
A navy blue polo shirt and super unflattering men's-cut Dickies (that was the night I was assaulted by two completely different, unrelated dudes! A two-for-one special! -- '00)
Don't remember! Probably regular-people clothes! Made out of a cloth-type substance! ('07)
A long-sleeved shirt under a hand-me-down blue vest, Old Navy jeans, and a Bart Ehrman book in my lap ('11)
THANK YOU FOR INSINUATING THAT MY CHOICE OF CLOTHING HAS ANY PART IN CREATING SEXUAL ASSAULT.
Fun fact #1: never play devil's advocate for the rapey guy.
"Maybe if you just understood the complex bonerific emotions in the rapey dude's brain, you wouldn't be so mad! I know you're TOTALLY TRAUMATIZED right now, but let me explain how your tight jeans probably caused his all-consuming need to assault you! No no, I mean, I'm not trying to excuse his actions... I'm just saying your jeans certainly didn't help the situation." -MEANINGFUL STARE-
Fun fact #2: rapists do not think like you. You see a woman at a party, sporting a miniskirt and an enormous grin, and you think man, I would like to make the sex together, if she is amenable to that sort of thing! Rapists, on the other hand, want to tap the five-year-old girl in the little mermaid nighty.
You get turned on by normal stuff, like a girl telling super funny jokes in a low-cut top! Rapists get turned on by exploitation of power differentials. They want to bang UNCONSCIOUS LADIES and CHILDREN.
Your brain is FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT than a rapist's. My clothes may turn you on, but the mere fact that I exist is enough to trigger a rapist.
Furthermore, if you defend my right to wear these jeans, I will wear them to your party and you will be INUNDATED WITH HOTNESS1. Would you rather I be forced to wear an oversized sweatshirt and baggy, stained sweats? LET'S BE LOGICAL. Make the world a safe place for me to be sexual, and you will be able to enjoy my sexuality, to whatever degree I deem appropriate.
"Oh, I thought you actually got assaulted."
or my next favorite, "Well, at least you knew the guy."
or the University president saying of a campus rape, "What makes it worse [than a regular-type rape] is that it was perpetrated by a stranger..."
Again, I wish I were kidding.
Oh hay guyz: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RANK THE TRAUMA OF MY SEXUAL ASSAULTS.
Getting assaulted by a stranger is no worse than being assaulted by a relative. If you are a woman who has experienced both of those things and you would like to comment on the relative traumatic value of each of these things WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE ONLY, go right ahead. Otherwise, SHUT YOUR FACE FOREVER.
"I'm never letting my daughter out of the house."
This one, I completely understand. I've felt it myself, about my own hypothetical child. You want to protect your daughter from the onslaught of sexual abuse she is likely to face in her life. Just note that the biggest threat actually comes from inside the house (your creepy brother, the neighbor), equip her to understand and communicate her own boundaries, and that's really all you can do. The rest is just good luck.
What I find interesting about this reaction, though, is that I don't hear an equivalent response on the other side:
"Oh my god, that's disgusting. I'm going to teach my son to respect women SO HARD."
Which, if you really want to stop rape, is really the more effective half of the equation to tackle.
"All child molesters should be rounded up and shot."
What I find interesting about this sentiment is that in my experience, most of the people who say it, when faced with the fact that a loved one is guilty of sexual abuse, choose to completely ignore it and let the abuse continue.
This response calcifies the idea that child molesters are animals, all frothing at the mouth while hiding behind the bushes at a playground. They have fangs and their eyes are direct windows to hell. They don't deserve mercy, because they are inhuman.
Ultimately, that molesters-as-monsters paradigm blinds people to the reality of who these people really are. Sometimes they are charismatic, productive members of society... when they're not busy molesting children, of course. I've seen it over and over and over again that a child tries to sound the alarm about sexual abuse, and the nearby adults COMPLETELY IGNORE them and let the abuse continue, simply because they cannot square the idea of this man they love and the monsters they've always pictured as abusers. "It must be a misunderstanding," they say.
The idea of swift, over-the-top punitive action is satisfying, but ultimately it sets the bar for justice too high. When faced with the reality of sexual abusers, people simply don't want to execute their sons, brothers, and friends. They are, after all, human beings. They have committed monstrous crimes, but they are not monsters per se.
They absolutely MUST face the consequences for their actions, but those consequences should be based on public shaming, in addition to whatever it takes to stop them from assaulting again.
"[Men harass you from their moving vehicles] because you look like you have low self-esteem."
What does someone with low self-esteem look like, anyway? A girl who dresses "slutty" to "get attention"? One who dresses in baggy clothes because she's ashamed of her body? A petite girl, who looks like she's been pushed around her whole life? A fat girl, who's probably been tormented about her weight?
How the fuck could you possibly psychoanalyze a fellow human being as you race past in a car at 40mph?
Or maybe, since ladies generally have crappier self-esteem than their dudely counterparts, maybe this person was trying to say that ladies are harassed SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY ARE LADIES. In which case, I agree.
"I hate men."
Every time a dude makes me feel unsafe, I yell this at Mah Huzbin'. What I mean is that I hate aggressive masculine sexuality, so I should probably just say that, instead of railing against a group of mostly awesome people.
It's stupid. I'm sorry.
The truth is that the times I yell this are the times when I need men the most. I need them to scratch my back, hug me, and to help me rebuild my sense of safety. I need them to prove to me that rapiness is not a gene on the Y chromosome: that you can be a man and simultaneously demonstrate kindness and respect.
So to all you men who are respectful and feminist, to those who open doors for me but let me pay for your coffee, to everyone who's flirted with me while simultaneously managing to respect my humanity and autonomy: thank you.
1if you're into socially awkward ladies who hang out with slugs and snails, that is.
